Sonnet with Jackson Pollock’s “The Deep” (1953)

in the next room    of the museum
I stood silent    I fell into   that maw
of water    blackened with air    my own
head opened     with my father’s gun

my life      splayed across the floor
each night I wanted to        leave
and leave       something beautiful
behind     I wanted to       I wanted to

end it     I didn’t     the closest window
was in the next room        I was
too far       I held one of my arms
with the other     I had walked ahead

of you      my love      how would I
explain     wanting to die     to you